Category Archives: ramblings

Holiday Humbug

Holiday Humbug

It’s Immi’s first Christmas. I should be elated, overjoyed, ecstatic even. In some ways I am, but in other ways I’m not.

Sonogram 20111128-blogLet me introduce you to Connor Elliot Olivier (Baby A), brother and twin of Imogen Marie Olivier (Baby B). Some people know about him, but most don’t. This time last year was literally the worst time of my life. I do not exaggerate. It was miserable.

The Monday after Thanksgiving we went in for a routine appointment with our high-risk OB. Since we were doing IVF, and I’m wicked old, and I’d lost a baby, I’m high risk. Go figure. So, we go to our appointment, only to find out that one of the babies has heart issues. We did further testing and found out that the twins were a boy and a girl. The boy had the heart problems. He would most likely not survive much longer. We already had a trip to Hawaii booked. We went to Maui & Kauai. It was a beautiful trip, but I was pretty miserable the entire time. I couldn’t stop thinking about the baby boy. Was he still alive? Was he getting worse right this second? How was the girl? Would she know about her brother deep down? Would she miss him? It was just a total mindfuck all around.

We were both so miserable, we didn’t do anything for Christmas. I did manage to put up our tree 3 days before Christmas. I was glad I did. Our cat Toe, who we also call “Christmas Kittie”,  LURVS her some Christmas tree. She can’t get enough. She likes to lay under the tree belly-up staring up at the tree when it’s all lit up. It gave me a little happiness when there was none to be found. That also reminds me. This time last year we had all our 3 kitties. They were all healthy, alive, and cozy lovely. (We’ve lost 2 of them this year – Sundae in March, and Mama (aka Walla) in October.)

We ate Christmas dinner at Threadgill’s. Usually that would bum me out, but it was actually kind of awesome. The food was delicious and it was a great vibe there. We didn’t have to fake being all holiday cheerful with family or anything. No pretending, just the two of us at a restaurant eating good southern food. I even cheated on my gluten-freeness and ate some chicken-fried chicken. Treat for me, but I definitely paid for it about an hour later. Quickest reaction I’d ever had. S’ok, it was totes worth it.

My mom came to visit after Christmas since we were so miserable, and she wanted to hug me. She’s a great mom that way. While she was here, we found out on December 30th that Connor was gone. There was some risk to Imogen, the next couple weeks would be stressful too. Once we passed those couple of weeks I thought we were in the clear.

But we all know the risk was not over. The reason Immi came early was Connor. He had settled onto my cervix and my cervix started to thin. Thus, I was put into the hospital on bed rest. I gave birth to Connor on April 3rd. Immi was born April 7th.

EDITED TO ADD: I started writing this about a week before Christmas. In that time, maybe because of putting these thoughts into words, I was able to get more into the Christmas spirit. My only regret is that my mom and brother weren’t with me. But otherwise, it was a pretty fantastic holiday. Next year will be oodles and oodles better even, I imagine. Immi will be older and I’m guessing more into getting gifts and whatnot. I’ll actually do stocking stuffers, and maybe even shop earlier than a week before Christmas. I will always think of Connor with a bit of sadness this time of year, but for Immi it will always be a happy time. I’m sure the pain will lessen every year that passes. I will always remember 2011 for being the year I lost my 2 baby boys. It was a total suck ass year. But, I’ll look into Immi’s eyes, and it will always make me smile. I might not have my boys, but I do have her. And she is precious and magical and the happiest baby I’ve ever encountered. I really can’t ask for more than that.

So, with that, I say Happy Holidays.

Breastfeeding sucks

Breastfeeding sucks

When my baby girl was born premature, I didn’t think twice. I grabbed the hospital-provided pumping supplies and proceeded to pump like a fiend. Well, actually, my husband had to grab them and nudge me awake every 2-3 hours to pump. I was trying to recover from a c-section and was properly drugged up. Once we got home, the duties fell to me. It was hard, but I did it. I pumped 8-10 times a day, while also visiting my daughter at least twice a day. It was no easy feat, but I happily did it. Hell, I produced so much milk, I had a surplus. A nice stash I proudly flaunted on Facebook.

That damn stash haunted me in June after Imogen came home.

No one really gave us any real advice about how to switch to mostly breastfeeding after we got home. I called the lactation consultants at the hospital and they told me that I needed to stop pumping. So, for 4 days, that’s what I did. WORST. ADVICE. EVER. I almost completely lost my supply. I went from an oversupply, to almost losing it. For the next couple weeks, I struggled with trying to breastfeed Immi, and then supplement with a bottle from my frozen stash. When the stash ran out at the end of June (woohoo! I had a month’s worth. Yay me!), We had to go to formula. We started with Similac Neosure.

After a week or so of being home from the hospital, Immi started getting super fussy. All. day. long. She would sleep well at night though, so it could definitely have been worse. But if she was awake, she was fussy. You could clearly tell she was in pain, and that was why she was fussy. She would scrunch up her whole body while screaming, then let loose a machine-gun torrent of poots or an explosive boom of poo, and she would settle for a few minutes until the cycle started over. It was really hard to see her go through that. In one of her diapers we found this long stringy bit of blood, and her poo was really mucous-y. Come to find out both of those things can indicate an allergy of some sort. The most common of the allergies is milk protein (not lactose). Neosure had milk in it. So, at the advice of the pediatrician’s nurse, we switched to Similac Isomil (Soy). After a little over a week, it wasn’t getting better. I had cut dairy out of my diet, cuz milk proteins that I eat make their way into the breast milk. I had researched milk allergies, and something like 30% of kiddos with milk protein allergies will also have problems with soy. Lovely. We talked to the nurse again, described things, and she recommended Similac Alimentum. The most expensive damn formula on the planet. Some insurance companies cover such things, lucky us, ours doesn’t. The first day on that formula she was a completely different creature. She could actually sit in her swing or lambie chair and just be happy to be looking around. No screaming, no crying, no scrunching. My baby is allergic to milk protein and soy. And I thought my gluten-free lifestyle was a pain.

Back to my supply issues… Mike finally got frustrated enough, and I couldn’t bring myself to do it, so he called a lactation consultant. We went to visit her. She was very pro-attachment parenting. We are not. So, that was kinda odd. She told us things like, “a crib is for nighttime sleeping only. you wear your baby during the day.” Or my fave, in response to our desire to be able to bottle-feed a couple of times a day so I can have a break to do things or to just have a break, “nonono, you can leave the house, just don’t go beyond a 10 mile radius so you can come back quickly to feed the baby”. I paraphrase, but that’s the gist. But the clincher, the pièce de résistance was her math skills, or lack thereof. She said that we needed to feed the baby two times her weight in ounces. So, the way she figured it was — Immi was 9 lbs 12 ounces at the time. To her, that was 9.12 (in the real world, that’s really 9.75). So, she should eat 18.3 ounces. We kinda look at her funny, and question her about that, but she waves our concerns off. We weighed Immi before and after feeding and she was only getting 1 ounce from me after 40 minutes on the boob. She could eat 3 ounces in a bottle at that time. But, the LC tells us we need to feed the baby every 2 hours for the next 3 days, and only supplement with 1 oz in a bottle according to her math. Everything we’d read said that you multiply the babies weight times 2.5 to determine ounces. But, we figure she’s certified, she has to know what she’s talking about right?

Wrong. That bitch was flippin’ nuts. For almost 2 days, I starved my child because of that whack job. We thought she was fussy with milk/soy? You ain’t seen nothing til you underfeed a child. We finally call the pediatrician to find out what we should be feeding her. We should be feeding her 25.5 ounces. Ahhh. Mike talks to the LC and even confronts her about her awful math, and she still won’t admit that anything was wrong. To her, 9.12 is a bigger number than 9.2 (9 lbs 2 oz). Yeah.

A few days later we find another LC that is actually more in line with how we want to tackle the issue. I want to feed my child, and tackle my supply problem. I didn’t necessarily want to use her to do it. So, I would pump vigorously and feed my child. We’d meet again when the two got closer. She also knew how to do math, and that it was 2.5 times not 2. I got an herbal supplement, a prescription drug, and finally had some hope that this might just work out. I finally felt good again after over a month of misery. My child is finally home from the hospital! I should not have been that damn miserable!

Well, we are now at a month past then. My supply is definitely up. So you get a sense of the numbers… I was pumping about 20 ounces a day when Immi was in the NICU. When I stopped pumping due to the first bad LC advice, my supply went down to about 3 ounces a day. When I went to see the second LC, my supply was at about 5-6 ounces a day. I’m now up to about 12-15 ounces a day, but my daughter drinks around 26-30 ounces a day. I can’t manage to pump the requisite 8-10 pumps a day. I’m looking after a baby, a fussy baby. I can usually get in 7 if I work really hard at it. So, I can continue to struggle with this mess, worrying if my milk is still making her fussy, having to constantly supplement breastfeeding with a bottle which makes each feeding time take 1.5 hours usually, or just stop. Stop feeling the guilt. The shame. The judgment. I can stop all that and take all that extra time and just enjoy my flippin’ girl. Play with her, love her, and show her the world. Instead of feeling like I’m chained to the damn pump, and thus house bound at all times. The thought of leaving my house frightens me! This should not be how it is!

Another side topic… I am not the type of person to whip out my boob in public to feed my baby either. I have enormous boobs. They are GINORMOUS with milk, I am not even about to try to whip these puppies out “discreetly” in public. Not gonna do it. More power to the ladies that do it, and I feel like they should have the freedom to. It’s just not for me. I’m a closeted breastfeeder. Also, I never felt that awesome bonding thing you hear about. Probably because the whole thing is so damn stressful to me. I’m constantly thinking about this problem. When can I pump? Is she going to be too fussy for me to pump? Am I going to pump enough? Is my supply increasing yet? How long is breastfeeding suppose to take, cuz I really need to go pump so I can make my next target of pumping in 2 hours. On top of all this it’s getting to where I can’t sleep. I only get two 3-hour intervals to sleep at night usually. And for the first hour or two of that, my mind is racing with all those previous questions. It’s driving me mad! You get the awful picture.

So, just a couple of hours ago. I finally made the decision. I’m going to stop. I was surprised at how emotional I got once I made the decision. But the second I did it, my fussy baby stopped being fussy and looked up at her dad and me and gave us the greatest series of smiles. If I ever doubted it was the right thing to do, I do not doubt anymore. I gave her my milk when she needed it the most — when she was so tiny and needed every possible chance. I will always be proud of that. Now it’s time to give her ME. The fun me, the less stressed me, the mom I’ve been waiting to be.

ETA 8/4/12: Immi has been on frozen breast milk exclusively for the past 3 days. Her allergy symptoms have returned — congestion, more spitting up, explosive mucousy poos. That was milk from me being completely soy and dairy free. So, this is even more proof for me that I’ve done the right thing. I really don’t want to expose her to something else she’s allergic to and cause her more issues down the line. I’m going to investigate donating the rest of the frozen stash to the Milk Bank of Austin.

Fall 2011 TV Lineup – CW & Fox

Fall 2011 TV Lineup – CW & Fox

CW logoSo, I just realized I totally screwed up on the alphabetical order thing. Whatever. This update won’t be filled with quite as much as hatred.

There are only two new shows from the CW that I’m watching. Sarah Michelle Gellar‘s return to television in Ringer is odd. I want to love it. I do. See, SMG is playing twins. One is a ex-addict, ne’er-do-well, that is on the run from some bad guys who she doesn’t want to testify against. The other is all fancy and girly and has everything a girl could want. Except maybe not! She “kills” herself, the other SMG slides into her fancy life and tries to live the great life. Gets a little complicated, natch. The first episode had me quite a bit turned off in the first 15 minutes. The twin thing was not the best filmed trick I’ve ever seen. Also, they used a lot of Ringer Posterfake backgrounds and that wasn’t done very well either. Then… in walks Ioan Gruffud (pronounced “Yo-wahn Griffith”). Oh, he’s a beauty. Funny thing is, I didn’t even realize that he was in the show. Bonus! Anyhoo… the episode did get better overall. Enough to have me tuning in the 2nd week, and the 3rd. However, it is kinda losing my interest. SMG is always in some super-panicy mode, and it just gets a little exhausting. At this point, I will do Ioan a favor and keep tuning in. *eyebrows wigglin’*

The other show on the CW that I’m watching, and really by accident, is The Secret Circle. I didn’t do a lot of research on what all was new this year, so I didn’t even know this was on. This show is on cuz The Vampire Diaries has been so successful. So, I’m guessing the CW thought, hey, let’s take another book series from LJ Smith and make a show out of it. Total side note: LJ Smith is a crap writer. After watching The Vampire Diaries, I went and made the mistake of reading the first two books in that series. It was painful to read. I liked NONE of the characters. It truly amazes me that they made the show from this. I like the show, I hate the books. So, no way in hell will I try to read the The Secret Circle books. Yech. Anyway… short summary… bunch of teenagers are witches in a town that pretty much frowns on that sort of thing. It’s your basic teenage-soapy mess with some SFX thrown in. Your average person will not like this, however, if you’re like me and read Young Adult books like this anyway… you’ll dig it. Not as rockin’ as The Vampire Diaries, but it’ll do.

Fox LogoLet’s move over to Fox, and I’ll try to be quicker about these. What can I say, I’m verbose :P

We got New Girl with Zooey Deschanel. It’s not an awesome show, but I like it. Zooey D is just impossible to not like. She’s quirky, she’s goofy, and she sings her own theme song. So, our New Girl here has just been recently cheated on, and needs a place to live. She finds these 3 guys looking for a roomie on Craigslist *shudder*, and hijinks ensue. They replaced Damon Wayans, Jr. after the first episode. I guess that’s cuz his other New Girl Postershow got picked up. I liked him better than his replacement. But I’ll deal.

Let’s face it. I love me some sci-fi television. Which is kinda strange that I don’t read much sci-fi. When I first saw the previews for Terra Nova months ago, I literally laughed. A show with dinosaurs? Puh-lease. But, of course, I had to at least try it, no? Well, I was hooked pretty quickly. The show starts in 2149 and the planet is completely wrecked. The atmosphere has gotten so bad that everyone has to wear re-breathers when not indoors. There is a bit of hope. Scientists have discovered a rip in time or something to 85 Million BC. They have been sending groups of people back in time to establish a colony. It’s supposedly in a different time stream than current time, but I’m betting that’s not the case. It’s also a one-way trip. It has a bit of a Lost feel to it. There is a whole group of “others” called Sixers that are like rebels.

I also watched the first two episodes of The X Factor. I think I just might be done with all reality shows (‘cept Surivor), cuz I can’t really get into this to watch it again. I thought I would like it cuz Simon is back being Simon. Except he doesn’t seem as harsh. Then again, The X Factor is much more of a building of a talent. So, maybe there is just no need to be super rude at this point. Maybe that will come :D Also, I lurv the hootchified music that Nicole Sherzinger puts out and she has some great ta-tas, but damn, she’s a horrible judge. The original british chic was better. Also, the host? Yah, I’ve already forgot him.

Fall 2011 TV Lineup – NBC

Fall 2011 TV Lineup – NBC

NBC LogoNow that I’ve started writing up my feelings on these shows, I have started to see that I don’t seem to like very many overall. I didn’t really feel that way beforehand. But I guess when you actually put your thoughts to “paper”, you can see them more clearly. This particular trend continues with NBC’s new offerings.

First up is the oh-so-laughable The Playboy Club. This was the first show I broke my rule on, and just immediately stopped watching. OMG. This was just painful. My mom actually seemed to like it. Of the people I talked to about the new shows, she was the only one that seemed to show interest in this show. Probably why it was cancelled after only 2 episodes. Woohoo!

Next up are two 30-minute shows I actually talked myself into attempting. We have Up All Night with Will Arnett and Christina Applegate. They are basically some hipster folks whoUp All Night have recently had a baby that had not planned on. Maya Rudolph plays an Oprah-esque talk show host that is Christina Applegate’s boss and best friend. She is so clueless to the real world that this is where most of the comedy comes from. I’m on the fence on this one. I am still watching it. But what investment is it really for me to watch a 30-minute comedy out of the corner of my eye on Hulu? None. I’m very indifferent about this one. I will probably continue to watch it out of the corner of my eye while I’m working or something. And I wouldn’t be heartbroken if it were canned.

Free Agents… just found out it was cancelled. I thought it was OK. Hank Azaria and Kathryn Hahn were actually quite good together. And I really loved Hank Azaria’s secretary. Her mad-awesome indifference and honesty was hella awesome for some laughs. But, whatever. It’s gone.

nbc-prime-suspectMaria Bello‘s butch-ass cop character in Prime Suspect is just typical cop fare to me. This is based on a British show that starred Helen Mirren. I’m betting this is no where close to the original. Well, that’s just been the case in most UK to US converted shows. It’s not awful. I like Maria Bello, but sometimes I think she is pushing the butch-cop thing a bit much. The hat? Hmmm. The gum? Annoying. And what’s up with her orange-glow? She’s a cop in NYC. I’m betting those don’t typically get a lot of sun action. But if you were to take it from this gal, they spend all day in the damn open air. Maria sweetie, it makes you look older. Doing you no favors.

Very interested in the upcoming Grimm show. Has a very interesting cast, and a very different type of storyline. I need something original, people. Let’s do better.

Fall 2011 TV Lineup – CBS

Fall 2011 TV Lineup – CBS

CBS logoFirst, let me talk briefly about CBS’ logo. It’s weak. I didn’t realize this until I went searching for one. Really, CBS, let’s update this ancient look. Anyhoo…

First up… Unforgettable, is well, kinda forgettable. It does star cutie-patootie UnforgettablePoppy Montgomery from Without a Trace. She still has an awful American accent. Why won’t anyone just let her be her Australian-self? I like the red hair on her though. It also has Nip/Tuck alum Dylan Walsh. This is about a lady that can’t forget anything. However, she is plagued by one thing she cannot remember… who killer her sister? Bah. How played out does this sound? I know I watch a lot of television, so I’m gonna be a bit jaded when it comes to this stuff, but I just feel like.. whatever. Besides the memory shtuff, it’s a pretty straightforward cop show. The really irritating part of the show is how they show her remembering something that she saw earlier in the show that now solves the case. Think House’s stunned looks right before he diagnoses a patient, but far more irritating and in slow-mo, and just not done well. I watched 2 episodes I think. Maybe I’ll watch 1 more. I’d really like to give shows 3 episodes before I completely axe ’em. But 3 has seemed hard this season. Is 2 enough? I mean, it is an arbitrary rule I have imposed upon myself. Surely I can change it, no? Yah, I’m sure the OCD will not let me.

Something I could not give 3 episodes to was Person of Interest. I did watch 2. Well, I checked out really early on the 2nd episode. The 1st episode was a bit Person of Interestchaotic and gave me no incentive to care about any of the characters. You learn that Jim Caviezel‘s character is this awful looking homeless dude, and 2 minutes later he’s all cleaned up and working for Michael Emerson‘s (of Lost fame) character. What is he doing? Ummm… I think they have some surveillance system that can anticipate all kinds of crime. The US government takes care of the big terrorist type things and now these two take care of the mundane.. like potential murders. I usually adore Michael Emerson’s weirdness, and thought this could carry my interest. But Caviezel is so boring and void of any character, even with his supposed emotional back story, that it hurts to watch this show. Done. No more.

Poor CBS. Batting 0 here. However, CSI has a new character in house. Ted Danson has joined the cast after Laurence Fishburne departure. I actually kinda dig him. I never would have even wanted to watch something with Ted Danson in it, but Damages and Bored to Death have completely changed my attitude towards me some Danson.

Fall 2011 TV Lineup – ABC

Fall 2011 TV Lineup – ABC

I thought I would drop some notes on the current lineup of new Fall television shows. Last year I did not really go out of my way to watch many new shows. I watch an insane amount of television and I guess I was just feeling a little overwhelmed. So, I didn’t want to add to that mountain at the time. This year, I suppose I felt I had the room in my schedule and I dove right in. Here is a very quick rundown of what I thought of some of the shows. I shall go alphabetical by network.


Let us start with one of the worst shows I have seen in a really long time—Charles’s Angels. I cannot even believe this crap is still on. I think one of my friends said it best. The only reason that this is still on the air is cuz Drew Barrymore is an executive producer on the show.

I actually managed to watch the entire first episode. And if you’ve seen it, you’ll understand what a feat that was. Three very vapid, but beautiful, women. That part is a given. Then there is Bosley. He’s supposed to be some young, hunky, cybergeek. Whatevs. I’ve already wasted too many words on this mess.

Next up is ABC’s attempt to get on the Mad Men band wagon—Pan Am. This show confuses me. I have now watched 3 episodes of this show, and I’m still revengetruly baffled. Is this show supposed to be about Pan Am stewardesses or CIA show? So, basically, the airplanes and ladies are just a vehicle to have a show about covert operations for the CIA. Bah. Lame. But I think I might still watch it, if I have spare time. It’ll be one of those shows I leave unwatched until I am so bored and have nothing else to watch.

I saved the best of ABC’s new stuff for last. Revenge is uhhhh-mazing. I’ve seen 3 episodes so far, and each one has not disappointed. It’s the story of a girl come back to where she grew up as a child, and where her father was betrayed by all those around him. I’m super curious as to how this is going to last for more than a season. It seems like it might have been better as one of those one-shot summer shows or something. However, if they figure out how to make this show last more than a season, more power to them. Just don’t make it suck. If you only pick up a limited number of shows this season… this needs to be one. Good stuff.

Suburgatory PosterLast of ABC’s shows that I watched was a complete and utter mistake. I accidentally set Suburgatory to record, and since I had time for it, I figured I would give it a try. SO glad I did. Really funny stuff. I normally hate 30-minute shows. Mainly cuz the majority of 30-minute stuff is sitcoms. And I do not under any circumstances watch sitcoms. I cannot stand the canned laughter or “filmed in front of a live studio audience” BS. I do not need to know when to laugh. I think I’m intelligent enough to know when I find something funny. I’ve digressed… back to Suburgatory. It’s not filmed in front of a live studio audience. Booyah.

It’s the story of a girl who has been ripped out of her known world of Manhattan and been placed into the gawdforsaken world of the suburbs. I like this girl. I like her a lot. She’s witty, she’s rebellious, she’s insecure but strong. The relationship she has with her single-father is very nice to see. Their relationship reminds me a bit of Castle and his daughter, but with even more intentional hilarity. Definitely one of my fave new shows.

I did not mean for this to be this long. And I’ve only covered one network. Well, let’s make this a series about series. Tomorrow’s entry will be all about CBS’ lineup.

Food is Evil.

Food is Evil.

My first reaction to losing Jeremy was that it was due to my weight. I knew intellectually that it wasn’t the case, but my heart is a difficult thing to convince. I was actually really good while I was pregnant. My main problem with food is not eating enough. Seriously. A few years ago, I did a food diary for a month of eating, and my average calorie intake for a day was about 800 calories.

“Food is evil. Food makes me heavy, therefore I should avoid it at all costs” — This is what goes through my head, subconsciously really, about food whenever it’s time to eat. So, I’m constantly having to fight this subconscious attitude. While I was pregnant, I didn’t have to fight this. I have issues with taking care of myself apparently, but being responsible for another being made this completely disappear. I ate every 2-3 hours, small meals, and I avoided everything I should… No artificial sweeteners, no caffeine, no high fructose corn syrup (my own personal avoidance), no deli meat, no high mercury fish. I was absolutely perfect when it came to eating. I still ate out quite a bit, but at least I ate.

So, in a quick knee-jerk reaction. I decided to have food be less of an issue in the aftermath of losing Jeremy. I knew that I would revert to not eating, which would make food a stresser again. This is not a time when I needed more stress. So, I opted to try Snap Kitchen and to try Gluten-Free. They made healthy food and you can pick it up every 3 days and you don’t have to supplement it at all. I wouldn’t have to go to the grocery store or anything.

At Snap, you get 1 free half-day every week. So, I can go out to eat or eat a home-cooked meal or whatever. On my first free day, Mike and I ate at Hyde Park Bar & Grill, where I proceeded to get my favorite fried egg sandwich. It was delicious. Until later that evening when I had horrible stomach issues. It was Mike that realized this could be a gluten sensitivity thing. He was right. Now that I’m all clear of gluten in my system, I have quite the reaction to it when I eat it. After many years of many doctors giving me drugs or vitamins or whatever for my stomach — I’d even been to the ER a couple times because of my stomach — I now had the answer. I used to only have a BM about twice a week. That was if I was doing well. Now I go EVERYDAY. Sometimes TWICE a day!!! I can’t believe no one ever mentioned this to me. I cannot even describe to you how much better I feel overall eating gluten-free. Un-flippin’-believable! Anyway… so…

Just go to Snap, get my 3 days worth of food and be done. It was amazing. Really great food, really great staff, and it was brainless. I simply ate the next thing on the list when it was time.

I did that for 6 weeks. Then my husband started to get whiny about the money. I proved that it only cost us $100 more a month on Snap than when we ate out and all that, but I guess I let it get to me. So, I stopped. This was a bad time. This started me on a downward spiral with food and mood. If I ever doubt the effect food can have on my mood, I need only think back on August 2011. Mike did the best he could, he would make me chicken breasts so I’d have them to eat. But, really, that was all I would eat. I’d only eat when he yelled at me about food, and I hated him for it. Hated myself for it too. So, after about 2 weeks of this nonsense, I realized I had to do something.

I thought I would try some of the other Snap-like places around town. I went and got a few things at My Fit Foods, and while edible, it wasn’t awesome. Not something I could eat 5 times a day. Then I went and committed to Mel’s Meals, mostly on the recommendation of my nutritionist. Yah, well, I made it 9 days into a 21-day commitment cuz that food was just nasty. You’d go from super bland to over seasoned. I’d really go out of my way to figure out how NOT to eat their foods. So, they gave me my remaining money back and were super great about that. Great staff! Not-so-great food.

So, after that I went running back to Snap Kitchen with big hugs & kisses. If I thought I loved their food before, I certainly was IN LOVE with it after experiencing the alternatives.

I’m going to keep doing Snap as long as I can stand it. It means I eat 1400-1600 calories everyday consistently, it’s easy gluten-free stuff. So I don’t have to stress about GF on top of just my usual eating woes. It’s helping me get through this difficult point in my life.

Oh, and I’m actually quite impressed with myself about something else. I have been going through all this stuff still not on any anti-depressant. I think it might be official. I think I have acquired the right tools via individual and group therapies that have allowed me to deal with things that I otherwise would not have been able to handle drug-free once upon a time. I kinda love that.

Mr. Blue

Mr. Blue

I re-read my last post and it makes me sick. Well, the last line does…

Things could definitely be worse…

Well, that was an understatement. Things got a lot worse. This is what we posted on FB –

Our son, Jeremy Blue Olivier was born on Friday, June 17, 2011 3:53pm. He passed away shortly after his birth. There were complications with the pregnancy. We had him for such a short time, but he has forever changed our lives.

I’m not going to get into the details or anything, but I feel like I need to post something about him and what we went through. I guess I feel like I couldn’t post anything else on my blog until I did this post. But, what do you say? I’m heartbroken beyond words… that’s kind of a given.

Everyone was so great to us. A lot of compassion out there, even from places I least expected.

I also found that some people just didn’t even get it. I did not miscarry. Not to say that miscarriages are something that are easier, but in a way they can be. I was 21-weeks pregnant. I gave birth. I had an epidural and went through the whole shebang. He was 7 inches, 9.5 ounces. I held my dead baby boy… kissed his cold head… touched his little sharp finger nails. He had my nose! And he had Mike’s long fingers, and his chin, too!

And yet, I still got comments like.. “Well, if it was meant to be…”

Yah… I’m not friends with the people that said shit like that to me anymore.

So, this is probably not as monumental as maybe it should be. But I felt like I had to write something. Acknowledge our little boy Jeremy Blue, my Mister Blue… before I can get to a healthier place in life, or on this blog. It could not go unsaid.

I will miss my first born boy forevermore.

The Hormones

The Hormones

I have noticed a couple changes, perhaps due to hormones.

The first, and really not that big of a deal, is my no-cry mechanism. What does this mean, you may wonder? Well, for whatever reason, I really do not like to cry in front of my husband. Anyone else, whatever. But, my husband should not see this. Not that I haven’t cried in front of him. Oh contraire, it has happened plenty. But I try to really avoid it. Especially if I’m watching movies or TV. That’s like weenie crying, and I try to avoid that. I have a great ability to stop it, usually. I drink some water, I push my tongue to the top of my mouth, I bite the inside of my cheek. Whatever it takes.

I have lost this ability since being pregnant.

I try to stop it, and it won’t stop. But it could be worse. Like…

The other thing that has developed is my filter (for talking) is gone. I’ve slowly developed a bit of this filter through years of individual and group therapy. It’s a very thin slight membrane of a filter, but I think the hormones ate it. I’m not really minding it being gone. It’s not effecting my attitude towards most people. However, the people I find annoying or just generally do not like even when not pregnant, are now getting the brunt of my honesty at it’s full force. I have no tolerance for negativity or hateful rhetoric, and I’m just not keeping it in when encountering it lately.

Things could definitely be worse, in my opinion.

Losing My Religion…

Losing My Religion…

… well, not really. I never had one.

I’m finding that people that I thought knew me, and should know me, do not know me at all. So, I am putting it out there on the record for my peeps to see. I will put it simply. I do not believe in a God of any sort. I do not believe in any sort of higher power. I was raised in a Christian household, but from a very early age I couldn’t help thinking that everyone at church was just weird.

What I do believe in, and very strongly, is a sense of karma. I live my life in such a way as what I put out in the world will come back to me. I try to be as honest as I can be, and as accepting as I can be. I’m not saying I accomplish this all the time, cuz I don’t. I’m not perfect. But I believe a good attitude, being honest, and being good to people will boomerang back to me.

I bring this up because I feel like since I’ve announced that I’m pregnant to people that I’m bombarded with religious stuff. Talking to a friend about this recently, even had a stranger butting into the conversation to tell me “you will believe in God now that you’re pregnant. There’s no way not to when you have a child.” Usually, this stuff doesn’t bother me. Mainly because it’s really never been an issue. But I honestly feel like the emails & whatnot I’ve gotten that talk about prayers and other religious things pertaining to me and my baby, have gone a bit too far. I’m seriously getting offended. What if someone that was Jewish or Muslim sent a Christian something that was jewish or islamic? That Christian would probably be offended. It’s pretty much the same thing.

So, I try to respect you and your religion. All I ask is that you please try to respect me and my lack of one.