So, the doctor came in and was like... Bam! C-Section. Let's do this. But, yanno, more doctor-y.

The nurses put me in a wheel chair while I'm having a contraction, I hear Mike is on the phone with someone. I remember something he said like "Oh, this is happening fast. Gotta go."

They wheel me into the operating room. I see a couple surgical techs/nurses prepping away. They tell me to get on the table. Then the anesthesiologist tells me what he's gonna do. I'm seriously only thinking about my contractions. They hurt. How the hell is he gonna manage to do this while they are happening. Good luck to you my man. At some point about here, I look at him and said something like "You're Dr. Miller?". He says yes. And I kinda laugh and said "Elizabeth K. said you'd be on call tonight, and that you're good. I hope she's right." We have a slight conversation about how I know Elizabeth K. We chuckle. Small world and all that. I do my back like he wants, and bam. That's pretty much that. I lay down on the table and then I start to feel nothing.

Well, I exaggerate. I feel cold. Damn cold. Right as he's telling me that shivering/feeling cold is a common side effect, I start shivering. He puts some warm blankets on me, then he puts this blow up plastic thing with a warm air hose attached to it. While it does feel nice, I never stop shivering.

I'm so concentrated on the shivering I really have no idea when my OB - Dr. Stephanie McNelis - came in. I remember the occasional comment from her, but truly my strongest memory is just being cold. The kind of shivering that is just exhausting. I do remember falling asleep from time to time and my snoring would wake me up. I remember the doctor saying something about my intestines... (that turned out to be cuz my intestines were very oddly positioned around my uterus. The doc had never seen it before.)... She said something about the baby's head being really funny shaped but that's what hats are for.

I remember Mike sitting next to my head. I remember wanting to scratch my nose a lot. And I remember shivering.

Once the baby was here, I guess I was out again. Mike tells the story of a 10 minute long wait of not knowing whether she was ok. I just remember him saying she was ok, and him asking me if it was ok for him to leave me to go with her. Weirdo. Of course you go with the baby to the NICU! I'm sure this won't be the last time he has to pick between the two of us. Poor boy.

According to Mike, I was in the OR for quite a while afterwards. I remember them moving me from the OR table to a bed, and the clock in there showed 7:40am. The baby was born at 6:16am. Interesting.

Also, when they moved me, someone ripped out my IV from my upper right arm. I look at it and ask to no one in particular "Won't I be needing that?"

They wheel me into recovery and some other new dude is working on putting another IV in me. This one is in my right hand and it's really annoying. No worries, this turns out to not be my last one. It gets infiltrated in a couple days and I have to get another one put in anyway. The guy who put in my final IV had scrubs on that said Austin Anesthesiology Group, so I ask him if he knows Elizabeth K. He kinda chuckles and says yes, and asks me how I know her. Before I mention her name he was kinda cold and disinterested. Not mean by any stretch, just focused maybe. Maybe even annoyed at being asked to do an IV (I'm not the easiest stick, so I always warn the nurses). I tell him how I know her, and he tells me about a party they had the weekend before. He just said she's pretty wild, with a big smile. That loosens him up, and he tells me about his family and his almost experience with the NICU.

Anyway, I digress. So, I'm in recovery with a new IV that sucks. I'm shivering. I think I'm even shivering harder than in the OR. The nurses there say something about getting an order for demerol, but in the meantime they start covering me in warm blankets and then another one of those plastic suits with warm air hoses. They did get an OK for demerol, apparently it heats you up from the inside. Yes! I'll take it!

These two nurses in recovery are funny. They clean me up, get me some underwear and some pads. And they have to start to massaging my uterus. The first couple times was cool cuz I still had the spinal meds going through. They keep commenting on how hard my ab muscles are and they have a difficult time massaging my uterus cuz of them. My hard abs. That's what I'm known for, yo. No, seriously, it's kinda funny. I guess it gets written on some chart somewhere, so every nurse that goes to massage my lady junk says something like "I hear you have hard abs to get past... Oh wow, you do." Hard abs under all this flab. Hell yeah. The recovery nurses keep telling me how much they like me and how fun I am. I do not remember why they have this opinion. Maybe my awesome wit and stuff was showing.

Mike came to visit me a couple times in recovery, I think I just kept falling asleep... snoring.. waking myself up. His sister, Jane, came in and visited once too. After 2 hours of being in there, and me gaining the ability to move my legs myself, they moved me to my post-partum room. I call it a room, but really, it was like a closet. So small! I have too much stuff from my Labor & Delivery Suite. Mike has to take a lot of stuff home.

Someone tells me I have 12 hours of bed rest before I can get up. That means I have at least 12 hours before I can see my baby girl. My baby girl. MY. BABY. GIRL. So surreal.

To Be Continued...

On March 21, 2012, I went to my Maternal Fetal Medicine appointment first thing in the morning. This was just a normal appointment. Check out the baby, see all is well, see me in another 4 weeks. However, this appointment did not go that way. They did a cervical check on me and told me my cervix was thinning and that I was being checked into the hospital for the "duration of the pregancy". 'Scuse me, wuh? You do know that's 3 months away, right? Yup. I'll go home and get clothes. Um, nope. Check in now. Okay.

So, Mike and I go across the street to check in to Labor & Delivery at St. David's North Austin Women's Center. These people are not playing. I immediately am told to strip, get comfy, and an IV is started. Not long after that, I'm given a catheter. Ugh. I thought that was bad. No, it got worse. I was given magnesium sulfate to make sure I did not get any contractions. That stuff is awful. I was given it for 24 hours. Some women are given it for 48 hours. I can't imagine. I was also given steroids for the baby. In case she did come early, they wanted to get her lungs as prepped as possible. They said "this is gonna burn", I just nod like "yah, ok", cuz when does it really burn that bad? Um, this time. It surprised me so much I said something like "Oh, shit!" Got that shot again in 24 hours. Sucked the 2nd time too.

So, after about 5 days of grossness, I was finally able to shower. This made me a completely new person. Even nurses that had seen me before would come in and be like "Wow, you look awesome!". Yah, it's amazing what being clean can do for a person.

Let's fast forward about 11 more days. I feel like I have a bladder infection or some nonsense. The pain is crazy. I test positive for a UTI. I get some antibiotics.

On Friday, April 6th around 6am, I wake up. I sit there for about 20-30 seconds contemplating getting my butt up to go pee. Before I can even move a muscle, I feel liquid let loose. My original thought was "Wow, that's quite an infection to just lose control of my bladder." I stand up next to the bed and the liquid keeps coming. Hunh. That's not my bladder. I yell at Mike to call the nurse, I go the bathroom. I did still need to pee. So I did that, but I'm still leaking.

They get me all situated, they get me an ultrasound. I've gone from 11cm of fluid to 7cm or fluid. Nothing awful, but yes the bag is broken. They tell me women can go weeks like this. Baby is doing well. No big thang.

They hook me up to the monitors for fetal heart rate and contractions. They see I'm having contractions. I don't feel them. That's good. A couple hours later, I start feeling them. Then I really start feeling them. They give me some meds to dull them and maybe slow them. Time for bed, they give me Ambien to help me get some rest.

There are only two new shows from the CW that I'm watching. Sarah Michelle Gellar's return to television in Ringer is odd. I want to love it. I do. See, SMG is playing twins. One is a ex-addict, ne'er-do-well, that is on the run from some bad guys who she doesn't want to testify against. The other is all fancy and girly and has everything a girl could want. Except maybe not! She "kills" herself, the other SMG slides into her fancy life and tries to live the great life. Gets a little complicated, natch. The first episode had me quite a bit turned off in the first 15 minutes. The twin thing was not the best filmed trick I've ever seen. Also, they used a lot of fake backgrounds and that wasn't done very well either. Then... in walks Ioan Gruffud (pronounced "Yo-wahn Griffith"). Oh, he's a beauty. Funny thing is, I didn't even realize that he was in the show. Bonus! Anyhoo... the episode did get better overall. Enough to have me tuning in the 2nd week, and the 3rd. However, it is kinda losing my interest. SMG is always in some super-panicy mode, and it just gets a little exhausting. At this point, I will do Ioan a favor and keep tuning in. *eyebrows wigglin'*

The other show on the CW that I'm watching, and really by accident, is The Secret Circle. I didn't do a lot of research on what all was new this year, so I didn't even know this was on. This show is on cuz The Vampire Diaries has been so successful. So, I'm guessing the CW thought, hey, let's take another book series from LJ Smith and make a show out of it. Total side note: LJ Smith is a crap writer. After watching The Vampire Diaries, I went and made the mistake of reading the first two books in that series. It was painful to read. I liked NONE of the characters. It truly amazes me that they made the show from this. I like the show, I hate the books. So, no way in hell will I try to read the The Secret Circle books. Yech. Anyway... short summary... bunch of teenagers are witches in a town that pretty much frowns on that sort of thing. It's your basic teenage-soapy mess with some SFX thrown in. Your average person will not like this, however, if you're like me and read Young Adult books like this anyway... you'll dig it. Not as rockin' as The Vampire Diaries, but it'll do.

Let's move over to Fox, and I'll try to be quicker about these. What can I say, I'm verbose :P

We got New Girl with Zooey Deschanel. It's not an awesome show, but I like it. Zooey D is just impossible to not like. She's quirky, she's goofy, and she sings her own theme song. So, our New Girl here has just been recently cheated on, and needs a place to live. She finds these 3 guys looking for a roomie on Craigslist *shudder*, and hijinks ensue. They replaced Damon Wayans, Jr. after the first episode. I guess that's cuz his other show got picked up. I liked him better than his replacement. But I'll deal.

Let's face it. I love me some sci-fi television. Which is kinda strange that I don't read much sci-fi. When I first saw the previews for Terra Nova months ago, I literally laughed. A show with dinosaurs? Puh-lease. But, of course, I had to at least try it, no? Well, I was hooked pretty quickly. The show starts in 2149 and the planet is completely wrecked. The atmosphere has gotten so bad that everyone has to wear re-breathers when not indoors. There is a bit of hope. Scientists have discovered a rip in time or something to 85 Million BC. They have been sending groups of people back in time to establish a colony. It's supposedly in a different time stream than current time, but I'm betting that's not the case. It's also a one-way trip. It has a bit of a Lost feel to it. There is a whole group of "others" called Sixers that are like rebels.

I also watched the first two episodes of The X Factor. I think I just might be done with all reality shows ('cept Surivor), cuz I can't really get into this to watch it again. I thought I would like it cuz Simon is back being Simon. Except he doesn't seem as harsh. Then again, The X Factor is much more of a building of a talent. So, maybe there is just no need to be super rude at this point. Maybe that will come :D Also, I lurv the hootchified music that Nicole Sherzinger puts out and she has some great ta-tas, but damn, she's a horrible judge. The original british chic was better. Also, the host? Yah, I've already forgot him.

First up is the oh-so-laughable The Playboy Club. This was the first show I broke my rule on, and just immediately stopped watching. OMG. This was just painful. My mom actually seemed to like it. Of the people I talked to about the new shows, she was the only one that seemed to show interest in this show. Probably why it was cancelled after only 2 episodes. Woohoo!

Next up are two 30-minute shows I actually talked myself into attempting. We have Up All Night with Will Arnett and Christina Applegate. They are basically some hipster folks who have recently had a baby that had not planned on. Maya Rudolph plays an Oprah-esque talk show host that is Christina Applegate's boss and best friend. She is so clueless to the real world that this is where most of the comedy comes from. I'm on the fence on this one. I am still watching it. But what investment is it really for me to watch a 30-minute comedy out of the corner of my eye on Hulu? None. I'm very indifferent about this one. I will probably continue to watch it out of the corner of my eye while I'm working or something. And I wouldn't be heartbroken if it were canned.

Free Agents... just found out it was cancelled. I thought it was OK. Hank Azaria and Kathryn Hahn were actually quite good together. And I really loved Hank Azaria's secretary. Her mad-awesome indifference and honesty was hella awesome for some laughs. But, whatever. It's gone.

Maria Bello's butch-ass cop character in Prime Suspect is just typical cop fare to me. This is based on a British show that starred Helen Mirren. I'm betting this is no where close to the original. Well, that's just been the case in most UK to US converted shows. It's not awful. I like Maria Bello, but sometimes I think she is pushing the butch-cop thing a bit much. The hat? Hmmm. The gum? Annoying. And what's up with her orange-glow? She's a cop in NYC. I'm betting those don't typically get a lot of sun action. But if you were to take it from this gal, they spend all day in the damn open air. Maria sweetie, it makes you look older. Doing you no favors.

Very interested in the upcoming Grimm show. Has a very interesting cast, and a very different type of storyline. I need something original, people. Let's do better.

First up... Unforgettable, is well, kinda forgettable. It does star cutie-patootie Poppy Montgomery from Without a Trace. She still has an awful American accent. Why won't anyone just let her be her Australian-self? I like the red hair on her though. It also has Nip/Tuck alum Dylan Walsh. This is about a lady that can't forget anything. However, she is plagued by one thing she cannot remember... who killer her sister? Bah. How played out does this sound? I know I watch a lot of television, so I'm gonna be a bit jaded when it comes to this stuff, but I just feel like.. whatever. Besides the memory shtuff, it's a pretty straightforward cop show. The really irritating part of the show is how they show her remembering something that she saw earlier in the show that now solves the case. Think House's stunned looks right before he diagnoses a patient, but far more irritating and in slow-mo, and just not done well. I watched 2 episodes I think. Maybe I'll watch 1 more. I'd really like to give shows 3 episodes before I completely axe 'em. But 3 has seemed hard this season. Is 2 enough? I mean, it is an arbitrary rule I have imposed upon myself. Surely I can change it, no? Yah, I'm sure the OCD will not let me.

Something I could not give 3 episodes to was Person of Interest. I did watch 2. Well, I checked out really early on the 2nd episode. The 1st episode was a bit chaotic and gave me no incentive to care about any of the characters. You learn that Jim Caviezel's character is this awful looking homeless dude, and 2 minutes later he's all cleaned up and working for Michael Emerson's (of Lost fame) character. What is he doing? Ummm... I think they have some surveillance system that can anticipate all kinds of crime. The US government takes care of the big terrorist type things and now these two take care of the mundane.. like potential murders. I usually adore Michael Emerson's weirdness, and thought this could carry my interest. But Caviezel is so boring and void of any character, even with his supposed emotional back story, that it hurts to watch this show. Done. No more.

Poor CBS. Batting 0 here. However, CSI has a new character in house. Ted Danson has joined the cast after Laurence Fishburne departure. I actually kinda dig him. I never would have even wanted to watch something with Ted Danson in it, but Damages and Bored to Death have completely changed my attitude towards me some Danson.

ABC

Let us start with one of the worst shows I have seen in a really long time—Charles's Angels. I cannot even believe this crap is still on. I think one of my friends said it best. The only reason that this is still on the air is cuz Drew Barrymore is an executive producer on the show.

I actually managed to watch the entire first episode. And if you've seen it, you'll understand what a feat that was. Three very vapid, but beautiful, women. That part is a given. Then there is Bosley. He's supposed to be some young, hunky, cybergeek. Whatevs. I've already wasted too many words on this mess.

Next up is ABC's attempt to get on the Mad Men band wagon—Pan Am. This show confuses me. I have now watched 3 episodes of this show, and I'm still truly baffled. Is this show supposed to be about Pan Am stewardesses or CIA show? So, basically, the airplanes and ladies are just a vehicle to have a show about covert operations for the CIA. Bah. Lame. But I think I might still watch it, if I have spare time. It'll be one of those shows I leave unwatched until I am so bored and have nothing else to watch.

I saved the best of ABC's new stuff for last. Revenge is uhhhh-mazing. I've seen 3 episodes so far, and each one has not disappointed. It's the story of a girl come back to where she grew up as a child, and where her father was betrayed by all those around him. I'm super curious as to how this is going to last for more than a season. It seems like it might have been better as one of those one-shot summer shows or something. However, if they figure out how to make this show last more than a season, more power to them. Just don't make it suck. If you only pick up a limited number of shows this season... this needs to be one. Good stuff.

Last of ABC's shows that I watched was a complete and utter mistake. I accidentally set Suburgatory to record, and since I had time for it, I figured I would give it a try. SO glad I did. Really funny stuff. I normally hate 30-minute shows. Mainly cuz the majority of 30-minute stuff is sitcoms. And I do not under any circumstances watch sitcoms. I cannot stand the canned laughter or "filmed in front of a live studio audience" BS. I do not need to know when to laugh. I think I'm intelligent enough to know when I find something funny. I've digressed... back to Suburgatory. It's not filmed in front of a live studio audience. Booyah.

It's the story of a girl who has been ripped out of her known world of Manhattan and been placed into the gawdforsaken world of the suburbs. I like this girl. I like her a lot. She's witty, she's rebellious, she's insecure but strong. The relationship she has with her single-father is very nice to see. Their relationship reminds me a bit of Castle and his daughter, but with even more intentional hilarity. Definitely one of my fave new shows.

I did not mean for this to be this long. And I've only covered one network. Well, let's make this a series about series. Tomorrow's entry will be all about CBS' lineup.

"Food is evil. Food makes me heavy, therefore I should avoid it at all costs" -- This is what goes through my head, subconsciously really, about food whenever it's time to eat. So, I'm constantly having to fight this subconscious attitude. While I was pregnant, I didn't have to fight this. I have issues with taking care of myself apparently, but being responsible for another being made this completely disappear. I ate every 2-3 hours, small meals, and I avoided everything I should... No artificial sweeteners, no caffeine, no high fructose corn syrup (my own personal avoidance), no deli meat, no high mercury fish. I was absolutely perfect when it came to eating. I still ate out quite a bit, but at least I ate.

So, in a quick knee-jerk reaction. I decided to have food be less of an issue in the aftermath of losing Jeremy. I knew that I would revert to not eating, which would make food a stresser again. This is not a time when I needed more stress. So, I opted to try Snap Kitchen and to try Gluten-Free. They made healthy food and you can pick it up every 3 days and you don't have to supplement it at all. I wouldn't have to go to the grocery store or anything.

At Snap, you get 1 free half-day every week. So, I can go out to eat or eat a home-cooked meal or whatever. On my first free day, Mike and I ate at Hyde Park Bar & Grill, where I proceeded to get my favorite fried egg sandwich. It was delicious. Until later that evening when I had horrible stomach issues. It was Mike that realized this could be a gluten sensitivity thing. He was right. Now that I'm all clear of gluten in my system, I have quite the reaction to it when I eat it. After many years of many doctors giving me drugs or vitamins or whatever for my stomach -- I'd even been to the ER a couple times because of my stomach -- I now had the answer. I used to only have a BM about twice a week. That was if I was doing well. Now I go EVERYDAY. Sometimes TWICE a day!!! I can't believe no one ever mentioned this to me. I cannot even describe to you how much better I feel overall eating gluten-free. Un-flippin'-believable! Anyway... so...

Just go to Snap, get my 3 days worth of food and be done. It was amazing. Really great food, really great staff, and it was brainless. I simply ate the next thing on the list when it was time.

I did that for 6 weeks. Then my husband started to get whiny about the money. I proved that it only cost us $100 more a month on Snap than when we ate out and all that, but I guess I let it get to me. So, I stopped. This was a bad time. This started me on a downward spiral with food and mood. If I ever doubt the effect food can have on my mood, I need only think back on August 2011. Mike did the best he could, he would make me chicken breasts so I'd have them to eat. But, really, that was all I would eat. I'd only eat when he yelled at me about food, and I hated him for it. Hated myself for it too. So, after about 2 weeks of this nonsense, I realized I had to do something.

I thought I would try some of the other Snap-like places around town. I went and got a few things at My Fit Foods, and while edible, it wasn't awesome. Not something I could eat 5 times a day. Then I went and committed to Mel's Meals, mostly on the recommendation of my nutritionist. Yah, well, I made it 9 days into a 21-day commitment cuz that food was just nasty. You'd go from super bland to over seasoned. I'd really go out of my way to figure out how NOT to eat their foods. So, they gave me my remaining money back and were super great about that. Great staff! Not-so-great food.

So, after that I went running back to Snap Kitchen with big hugs & kisses. If I thought I loved their food before, I certainly was IN LOVE with it after experiencing the alternatives.

I'm going to keep doing Snap as long as I can stand it. It means I eat 1400-1600 calories everyday consistently, it's easy gluten-free stuff. So I don't have to stress about GF on top of just my usual eating woes. It's helping me get through this difficult point in my life.

Oh, and I'm actually quite impressed with myself about something else. I have been going through all this stuff still not on any anti-depressant. I think it might be official. I think I have acquired the right tools via individual and group therapies that have allowed me to deal with things that I otherwise would not have been able to handle drug-free once upon a time. I kinda love that.

"Things could definitely be worse..."

Well, that was an understatement. Things got a lot worse. This is what we posted on FB -

Our son, Jeremy Blue Olivier was born on Friday, June 17, 2011 3:53pm. He passed away shortly after his birth. There were complications with the pregnancy. We had him for such a short time, but he has forever changed our lives.

I'm not going to get into the details or anything, but I feel like I need to post something about him and what we went through. I guess I feel like I couldn't post anything else on my blog until I did this post. But, what do you say? I'm heartbroken beyond words... that's kind of a given.

Everyone was so great to us. A lot of compassion out there, even from places I least expected.

I also found that some people just didn't even get it. I did not miscarry. Not to say that miscarriages are something that are easier, but in a way they can be. I was 21-weeks pregnant. I gave birth. I had an epidural and went through the whole shebang. He was 7 inches, 9.5 ounces. I held my dead baby boy... kissed his cold head... touched his little sharp finger nails. He had my nose! And he had Mike's long fingers, and his chin, too!

And yet, I still got comments like.. "Well, if it was meant to be..."

Yah... I'm not friends with the people that said shit like that to me anymore.

So, this is probably not as monumental as maybe it should be. But I felt like I had to write something. Acknowledge our little boy Jeremy Blue, my Mister Blue... before I can get to a healthier place in life, or on this blog. It could not go unsaid.

I will miss my first born boy forevermore.

The first, and really not that big of a deal, is my no-cry mechanism. What does this mean, you may wonder? Well, for whatever reason, I really do not like to cry in front of my husband. Anyone else, whatever. But, my husband should not see this. Not that I haven't cried in front of him. Oh contraire, it has happened plenty. But I try to really avoid it. Especially if I'm watching movies or TV. That's like weenie crying, and I try to avoid that. I have a great ability to stop it, usually. I drink some water, I push my tongue to the top of my mouth, I bite the inside of my cheek. Whatever it takes.

I have lost this ability since being pregnant.

I try to stop it, and it won't stop. But it could be worse. Like...

The other thing that has developed is my filter (for talking) is gone. I've slowly developed a bit of this filter through years of individual and group therapy. It's a very thin slight membrane of a filter, but I think the hormones ate it. I'm not really minding it being gone. It's not effecting my attitude towards most people. However, the people I find annoying or just generally do not like even when not pregnant, are now getting the brunt of my honesty at it's full force. I have no tolerance for negativity or hateful rhetoric, and I'm just not keeping it in when encountering it lately.

Things could definitely be worse, in my opinion.

I'm finding that people that I thought knew me, and should know me, do not know me at all. So, I am putting it out there on the record for my peeps to see. I will put it simply. I do not believe in a God of any sort. I do not believe in any sort of higher power. I was raised in a Christian household, but from a very early age I couldn't help thinking that everyone at church was just weird.

What I do believe in, and very strongly, is a sense of karma. I live my life in such a way as what I put out in the world will come back to me. I try to be as honest as I can be, and as accepting as I can be. I'm not saying I accomplish this all the time, cuz I don't. I'm not perfect. But I believe a good attitude, being honest, and being good to people will boomerang back to me.

I bring this up because I feel like since I've announced that I'm pregnant to people that I'm bombarded with religious stuff. Talking to a friend about this recently, even had a stranger butting into the conversation to tell me "you will believe in God now that you're pregnant. There's no way not to when you have a child." Usually, this stuff doesn't bother me. Mainly because it's really never been an issue. But I honestly feel like the emails & whatnot I've gotten that talk about prayers and other religious things pertaining to me and my baby, have gone a bit too far. I'm seriously getting offended. What if someone that was Jewish or Muslim sent a Christian something that was jewish or islamic? That Christian would probably be offended. It's pretty much the same thing.

So, I try to respect you and your religion. All I ask is that you please try to respect me and my lack of one.

Continued in "The Art & Science of Making Our Critter, Part II"

Continued in "The Art & Science of Making Our Critter, Part III"

Continued from "Now... the WAITING"

It took me 30 minutes to get a hold of Miguel. I had literally just gotten off the phone with him when the nurse called me back, and I could not get him on the phone or on text or anything. So flipping frustrating. I had a friend that was doing IVF at the same time as me texting me, and my mom texting and calling me, and another friend texting me. But I wasn't saying a peep until I got to talk to my man. That seemed only fair, except he wasn't really cooperating. Finally, I think on one of my many call attempts, he answers. I don't even remember what I said. I wonder if he remembers. Hmmm. So, somehow I relay the information. He is ecstatic! He wants the OK to tell one of his buddies up there with him so he can truly experience it and not alone. I tell him he can tell that ONE person. I then proceed to tell three :D Actually, no, four. TEEHEE. A few days later my four becomes five. But that's it, that was my max. I think in the end, Miguel told four people.

Just when I thought the most horrible waiting period was over, I get a good knock of reality right upside the head. On Monday February 21, 2011, I went and got my blood drawn again. Didn't really stress too much about it, just waited til the end of the day when I got my results. My HCG levels were higher, but not as high as they should have been. Apparently, HCG levels should close to double every couple days. My first HCG level was 57, this new level was 87. They said it should be 95. Now I start to worry. I also started getting a pretty wicked cold that day. Oh, and all-day nausea started the previous day. Oy vey.

I get another blood draw on Wednesday, it was better. I got another one the following Monday, February 28, 2011. Much better. Had our first sonogram on March 2, 2011. At this point I'm considered 5 weeks 4 days. From this point forward, I think we have sonograms every week for a few weeks with the exception of Spring Break week (aka SXSW). This was good and bad.

See, Dr Silverberg is a super upbeat and positive guy. I've walked into his office feeling like the world would end and I walk out without a care in the world. I'd heard stories about some of the other doctors, and some (like the one that told us the bad news) just don't have that great non-stop positive attitude. So, it was quite odd to see a different side of Dr Silverberg -- oddly cautious. We would have our sonogram appointments and he would say something like "it's not as big as I would like". But then he would end with "everything looks fine". Some other gems were "we're not out of the woods yet" and "that heartbeat is slower than I'd like". He would mostly end with "everything looks fine, see you in a week" or whatever. This caused me so much flippin' worry. I would take whatever line of the week and just dwell on it. Thank goodness Mike would just focus on the "everything looks fine" portion. Cuz he would have to talk me down some weeks. By the time the next sonogram would roll around I was a wreck. It wasn't until I was about 8 weeks 4 days that I got a big boost of confidence.

We'd been hearing or seeing the heartbeat since 6 weeks 4 days. But at the 8 week mark it was like hearing a freight train. It was a whopping 170 beats per minute and it was just truckin'. That made me feel so confident. I wanted to say screw our 12 week rule of when to tell people and announce it to the world! But, it's glad one of us can manage to stay sane at any given point, cuz Mike insisted we keep our deal of 12 weeks. Dr Silverberg was still concerned about the size of our critter, but we saw him one more time at 9 weeks 4 days, and the critter had almost completely caught up with growth. So, he released me to see my OB finally. He also told me to make sure I send them a picture once the baby was born, but the nurses kept telling me I better bring the baby up there. I'm sure they really like seeing the end result of all their work. I don't blame them at all.

We see my OB -- Dr Stephanie McNelis (love her!) -- at 10 weeks 4 days. It was weird cuz her sonogram machine is a bit inferior to TFC's. It felt like we were going quite a ways back. She couldn't even pick up the heartbeat and made it seem like it's rare when she can. Madness! I'm spoiled over here, give me everything or give me nothing! I kid :D Everything looked kosher, they gave me bunches and bunches of samples of prescription pre-natal vitamins and a couple bags worth of swag, told me to get blood drawn and said come back in a month. A month!??!?! I have gotten sonograms weekly dangit, what is this month thing?!?

Apparently, "because of my age", and because of the IVF thing, I'm considered High Risk, so that is actually going to afford me more ultrasounds than your normal pregnancy. Some at my normal OB and some at a high risk place that has higher resolution ultrasounds! At first I was offended at being "high risk", but if the only downside to that is getting more peeks at the critter, than I'll wear that label proudly!

Just after Miguel got back from a wedding in Venezuela, we started telling everyone about the little critter. I probably rode on that high for 3-4 days. It was great getting it out in the open. Probably didn't help that because of IVF we knew WAY earlier than most folks do. It was just so much WAITING.

So, now we're pretty current on things. I'm 14 weeks as of the moment of writing this. I get my next ultrasound (on the belly this time!) in 4 days. Then I think we'll be scheduling the ultrasound for determining gender with the high risk place soon after that. Really exciting times for us.

This is the end of this portion of the story, but I imagine I'll be pretty darn chatty about all this, so hopefully I'll write more as we go. I don't want to be one of those batty ladies that talks about her pregnancy or kids all the time to people. I've been on the other end of that, and trust me -- the non-parent types really can't stand it. So, I'll use my little blog here to get most of that out, hopefully. I can't promise anything, but I'll say that I'll try my best :D

Continued in "The Art & Science of Making Our Critter, Part II"

...Continued from "The Art & Science of Making Our Critter, Part III"

We'll rewind just a tad here. On Monday, February 7, 2011, Miguel got horrible news. He was told that a close friend of his committed suicide. They had known each other for so long -- Probably 20 years. To say this was a surprise was an understatement.

So, when we get our awesome 3-day fertilization report on February 8, 2011, he was beyond relieved or happy or whatever. You combine the death of his friend with what happened on our previous 3-day fertilization report, and this boy just wanted to hear something good. So, when I say I can't describe the look on his face, I mean it. There was so much emotion tied into that one look, that it is just impossible to put into words.

Miguel left for Dallas for the memorial for his friend on Thursday, February 17, 2011. He would be there until Sunday. However, the extra bummer to this is my blood test to see if I was pregnant was scheduled for Saturday, February 19. He would not be there with me when I found out. In the scheme of things, this is probably not that important.

But when you consider the HOT MESS that I became between Thursday and Saturday, you might think differently. I was pretty OK until after he left. Then the worry set in. By Friday, I was just trying to sleep whenever I could so I would avoid the worrying and how awful it was making me feel. As an added bonus to all this, I was experiencing extreme constipation because of all the hormones I had been on, and was still having to take. I could take nothing for it, so physically and emotionally I was just a mess. I woke up from one of my naps around Friday/Saturday at midnight. This is when my wheels started churning. How early was too early to get my blood drawn? The place I had to go was a 24-hour lab. So, I watched stuff on Netflix for as long as I could manage, but then finally caved.

I ended up heading to the hospital lab at 4am. Due to some seriously stupid people, I almost got checked into the ER when I was just asking for directions to the lab. All that mess took me an hour! So, when I finally found the lab at 5am, I was just confused and frazzled. The lady there was really helpful, and made sure I wasn't going to have to pay for an ER visit, and yelled at some people on the phone for putting me through all that. Then she took my blood. Best blood draw ever. So smooth. And with IVF, you become a bit of a critic of all the phlebotomists. You have to get blood taken almost as often as they stick stuff up your lady junk. So, yes, best blood draw ever.

So, I head home, eat some breakfast and then proceed to crash from about 6:30am until 11am-ish. I am supposed to receive a call by no later than 1:30pm. The sheet I have specifically states that if I have not heard by that time, to page out the nurse. Well, 1:30pm comes and goes, and by 1:32pm I'm paging out. I get a call back around 2pm, and I apologize for being a dork for paging out, but she says I did the right thing. I could hear her shuffling papers around, and I was starting to get nervous and she says something like "OH! Good news!" and I think she said something else, but I could seriously have passed out by this point. I regain my composure while she tells me what my next orders are and all that. I have to get my blood drawn again on Monday.. keep taking my progesterone... yadda yadda yadda. Holy shit. I'm pregnant!?

TO BE CONTINUED in "...And Even More WAITING!"

... Continued from "The Art & Science of Making Our Critter, Part II"

Dr Silverberg loves what all our gender bits are looking like and all that, so it's time to start IVF cycle #2. I started Birth Control Pills (BCP) on December 22, 2010. I started the first hormone Lupron on January 11, 2010. Then I started Gonal-F on January 19, 2011.

An interesting fact here is that during the 1st cycle, I gave myself almost all the shots. I ended up having bruises everywhere. I even had one on my stomach that lasted 3 months. I was not looking forward to more bruises. However, Mike did every single shot during the 2nd IVF cycle and I had a couple tiny quick bruises, but for the most part nothing. He's got magic hands or something. Or, I stressed like a mofo when I was having to give myself the shots. Go figure.

Back to the current IVF... I was told to do the Ovidrel (ovulation trigger) shot at 8pm on February 3, 2011. That set me up for a 6:45am arrival on February 5, 2011 at the surgery center. Since the previous retrieval sent me into the hospital and allowed me to experience my first morphine shot ever, I can't say I was particularly looking forward to this experience. However, I did make sure that I had some pain meds long before the day of surgery. Ok, it was like 2 days prior, but still. I had those puppies in hand. I did use the pills for about a day, but after that didn't really need to. Much different experience.

Turns out they got a whopping 25 eggs this time. This time out of those, 19 were mature enough to fertilize. Of those, 17 fertilized successfully. These numbers were looking really good. However, we wouldn't know how well they were doing until February 8, 2011. I would find out early that morning whether we would transfer that day or wait until February 10, 2011. (Transfer is what they call putting the fertilized eggs back). February 5-February 8 was a difficult time for us to wait. The last time our 3-day report was not good.

So, I'm at home on February 8, 2011, and I'm taking a shower when the call comes in about our eggs. Mike runs into the bathroom and is just staring at me while I'm getting the call. Turns out we will have to wait until February 10th to do our transfer. The reasons are entirely different this time around though. We just have so many eggs doing so well, that they don't want to pick now. They want to wait until Day 5 (Feb 10) to see which ones are excelling the best. I cannot describe to you the relief that both of us experienced. We were waiting for and dreading this particular moment again, because this is where it started to fall apart last time.

I have a scheduled time to arrive at the surgery center at 11:30 on February 10, 2011. They show us pictures of the 2 blastocysts that were doing the best. Now, a little side note here. When we started this fertility stuff, I was 34. I was already getting the "because of your age" spiel back then. If you really want to feel old, go through fertility issues around this time. You will constantly be bombarded with reminders that you are old as dirt. After a few appointments, I told one of the nurses "Can you just mark in my chart there that I get it. I'm old as shit, let's move on." She found it humorous. I was being quite serious.

Anyway, back to the wonderful blastocysts. So, because of my age, they let us choose whether 1 or 2 of those eggs were put back. We threw the dice and said let's do 'em both! Then they wheeled me into the procedure room, and Mike followed me in. He was seated to my left, where we could both see the TV screen. This would allow us to see them take out those 2 eggs from the dish they were in before they walked into the room with them. The embryologist handed them in a tube-y thing to the doctor, and he did what he does... squirted them up there. They then take the tube back to the microscope, check that everything is gone and no eggs got sucked back into the tube. All clear! I then get taken back to my room where I have to rest and relax for 30 minutes. For the next couple days, I have to be on bed rest.

Now, you might be wondering what happened to all the other eggs? Well, at this point we had 15 left that were still doing really well. So, they wait one more day, and see which ones are viable for freezing. I don't know how many that ended up being, but we got 6, yes 6! that survived the freezing process. We went from nothing to having 6 spares?!?!? We couldn't have asked for better results, seriously...

TO BE CONTINUED in "Now... the WAITING..."

Side note: From the polyp-removal surgery, I actually have pictures of my internal bits. I have real photos of my ovaries, my uterus, some intestine shots, and I even have a picture of the big ol' polyp. If you ever have this chance, tell them you really don't need to see them, cuz there is no way these types of pictures can be pretty. Yech!!! :D Just be glad I didn't scan them in for these blog posts! HA!

I'll give you a run down of an IVF cycle, or at least what mine was like. They started me on birth control pills (BCP) the month before the actual IVF cycle. So for end of April/first of May I was on BCP. On May 13, 2010, I started the hormone shots, beginning with Lupron. This overlaps with BCP for a few days. Then, on May 22, 2010, I add in Gonal-F. This hormone is a follicle stimulator. This is gonna hopefully get me a bunch of eggs ready to go. The thing I disliked most about this part of the cycle is having to get something stuck up my junk every other day while they watch my eggs. I mean, you get used to it, and at the same time you don't. But that's just me. When the eggs are at the desired size, I am then scheduled to take an Ovidrel shot. This has to be timed very well because 36 hours after you take this shot you will ovulate. So, the surgery for removing my eggs from the follicles on my ovaries is scheduled precisely 36 hours after I take this shot. That was June 6, 2010. Thank gawd I was out for this, but the gist of it is, they insert a really long needle through my vaginal wall up to my ovaries and suck out all the follicles they find. I ended up with 20 eggs.

After this egg retrieval procedure, things got a little interesting. I wasn't given any pain meds for after the surgery. We kept telling people, but we never ended up going home with any. Most people just told us it wouldn't be a big deal. Their default prescription for this is Vicodin, and I'm allergic to that. So, this just caused a bit of a mess. We get home, and about an hour after we get there, I'm really starting to feel it. About 10 minutes after that, I'm screaming my bloody head off. And this is coming from someone that has quite the high tolerance for pain. Mike pages out Dr. Silverberg and asks if it's okay to take some Darvocet I had leftover from my polyp surgery. Doctor says go for it. I take that, it helps for maybe 20 minutes (turns out Darvocet was just taken off the market cuz it's WEAK SHIT!). I'm back to screaming again. Poor Mikey. He was probably freaking out, but he was a champ. He pages the doctor back out and the doctor tells us to go to the ER where he has privileges. It's not our closest, but it's 2nd closest. So we head over to North Austin Medical Center. Apparently he called ahead cuz they were ready for us. Plopped me in a wheelchair and rushed me into the back. They examine me and stuff, and pretty quickly pump in some morphine into my IV. It felt nice & woozy & fun, but did absolutely nothing to my pain. I think they eventually found something that would work to quiet me down.

I get a CT of my abdomen area and there is definitely some bleeding going on in there. They admit me to the hospital, and I'm doped up for the next 24 hours. Mike has to force me to stand when I need to pee. The pain then was so excruciating, sometimes I would be crying. But, he would never let me sit back down when I was on my way to standing. Sometimes this whole process of peeing would take 10-15 minutes. I had to pee often too, cuz they were pumping fluids in me. Ugh. Not fond memories. But, if I ever doubted it (which I never have), Mikey takes wicked awesome good care of me. After all that mess, I finally get the OK to leave, so we leave the afternoon after we entered.

Now, back to those 20 eggs. Of those 20 eggs, only 14 were mature enough to attempt fertilization. Apparently this wasn't a great percentage. Of those 14, only 9 successfully fertilized. Of those 9, none of them grew enough to be viable. June 11, 2010 was not a happy day for us. We were somewhat warned of this on June 9, 2010, but it really didn't hit home until we went back in for what was supposed to be my transfer. (Transfer is what they call putting the fertilized eggs back). No viable eggs meant nothing to put back. It was a very sad day. My normal doctor was on vacation, and the other doctor there giving us the news was really bad at it. You could tell she's either young or new or both. Not so great in the bedside manner, where my normal doctor excels. However, the embryologist there was really great. He seemed to think there was still hope. He explained to us that it appeared to him to be both a sperm & egg quality issue, and he was pretty sure one or both of these issues could be dealt with. I really appreciate that the embryologist was there. He was a hope-saver.

And hope we needed... because my doctor was on vacation, we had to wait a whole 11 days to talk to him. It was a seriously difficult time. Absolutely mind warping. When we were finally able to meet up with him on June 22, 2011, he told us he could change how much of the hormones I got next time, and that could solve the quality of the egg issue. Miguel needed to go see his man-bits doctor so they could deal with the quality on his side.

Miguel went to a doc that the fertility doc recommended. He had Mike start taking some drugs and a vitamin drink mix twice a day, and we were on a minimum of a 3-month wait-and-see creeper. Miguel had his followup appointment and things were definitely looking up. I think we ended up waiting another 3-month for more results, and those looked even better. So, we met up with Dr. Silverberg again on December 13, 2010...

TO BE CONTINUED in "The Art & Science of Making Our Critter, Part III"...

It all began in October 2005. Our house burned down. Yes, this started then. I don't know if it was the fact that we seriously could have lost each other or all our kitties or what. But, it definitely ramped me up in the wanting a baby department. I never really felt that overwhelming need to have one, but suddenly, I at least wanted to try. Mike seemed quite game. So, I saw my OB, she checked me out, said I was good to go, and to see her in about a year if nothing came to be.

Well, a year passed, and nothing came to be. So, I went back to her. She told me to take my temperatures everyday for 6 months to a year, so we could establish if I ovulated regularly. Really? This should take this long? Turns out I had a crap OB, cuz this shouldn't take this long really. I will also admit to going in and out of motivation on this particular topic. Even after a year of trying, sex becomes very boring and very much driven by that one thing. Getting ME knocked up. But, I soldier on, and end up taking my temperature for a year. Like clockwork, my cycles are perfectly 26 days, and I ovulate on day 14. No wonder it seemed like my periods are just right around the corner. Cuz they are. Annoying factoid about moi.

Well, that was settled, everything appeared to be functioning. After the 2nd year of this, I was really losing interest. It felt like I was driving all of it, and I wanted to feel like Miguel was truly wanting this too. So, I sort of stopped at this point. If he really wanted to do this, I wanted him to drive it a little more.

I think it was at the 2 year mark that Miguel finally goes to get himself checked out. Come to find out he had some issues that could only be truly helped with surgery. Miguel had his first surgery on September 12, 2007. We keep going, and keep getting Miguel looked at. Turns out about a year later, his doctor says the problem has returned. He will need to see a specialist in Houston at the Baylor School of Medicine. Miguel goes there at least once a month for quite a while, until they decide he needs another surgery. So, on October 30, 2008, he has his second surgery in Houston.

On August 5, 2009, I finally go see Dr. Silverberg at Texas Fertility Center (TFC). He has me go get a dye test, but then I never go back for follow-up. My interest is really waning, and I'm still not feeling Mike's 100% buy-in. Yes, I know the boy has had a couple surgeries, but still. I later found out his seeming disinterest was really more frustration that it wasn't happening very easy for us. That's certainly understandable. So, I don't go back to TFC until February 9, 2010. This is when we find out that I have a big ol' polyp in my lady junk and couldn't have a kid no matter how much we tried. I have a natural IUD hanging out in there. If I had a decent OB before, she would have done this after a year of nothing happening. C'est la vie.

So, March 4, 2010, just a week before SXSW, I get the polyps removed and while the doctor was in there he zaps some endometriosis he finds. I'm all good. My lady bits are in fine working shape now. TFC starts working on what our plan will be for In vitro fertilization (IVF). We have a vacation planned for the beginning of May, so we can't really start until after we get back...

TO BE CONTINUED in "The Art & Science of Making Our Critter, Part II"...