My first reaction to losing Jeremy was that it was due to my weight. I knew intellectually that it wasn't the case, but my heart is a difficult thing to convince. I was actually really good while I was pregnant. My main problem with food is not eating enough. Seriously. A few years ago, I did a food diary for a month of eating, and my average calorie intake for a day was about 800 calories.
"Food is evil. Food makes me heavy, therefore I should avoid it at all costs" -- This is what goes through my head, subconsciously really, about food whenever it's time to eat. So, I'm constantly having to fight this subconscious attitude. While I was pregnant, I didn't have to fight this. I have issues with taking care of myself apparently, but being responsible for another being made this completely disappear. I ate every 2-3 hours, small meals, and I avoided everything I should... No artificial sweeteners, no caffeine, no high fructose corn syrup (my own personal avoidance), no deli meat, no high mercury fish. I was absolutely perfect when it came to eating. I still ate out quite a bit, but at least I ate.
So, in a quick knee-jerk reaction. I decided to have food be less of an issue in the aftermath of losing Jeremy. I knew that I would revert to not eating, which would make food a stresser again. This is not a time when I needed more stress. So, I opted to try Snap Kitchen and to try Gluten-Free. They made healthy food and you can pick it up every 3 days and you don't have to supplement it at all. I wouldn't have to go to the grocery store or anything.
At Snap, you get 1 free half-day every week. So, I can go out to eat or eat a home-cooked meal or whatever. On my first free day, Mike and I ate at Hyde Park Bar & Grill, where I proceeded to get my favorite fried egg sandwich. It was delicious. Until later that evening when I had horrible stomach issues. It was Mike that realized this could be a gluten sensitivity thing. He was right. Now that I'm all clear of gluten in my system, I have quite the reaction to it when I eat it. After many years of many doctors giving me drugs or vitamins or whatever for my stomach -- I'd even been to the ER a couple times because of my stomach -- I now had the answer. I used to only have a BM about twice a week. That was if I was doing well. Now I go EVERYDAY. Sometimes TWICE a day!!! I can't believe no one ever mentioned this to me. I cannot even describe to you how much better I feel overall eating gluten-free. Un-flippin'-believable! Anyway... so...
Just go to Snap, get my 3 days worth of food and be done. It was amazing. Really great food, really great staff, and it was brainless. I simply ate the next thing on the list when it was time.
I did that for 6 weeks. Then my husband started to get whiny about the money. I proved that it only cost us $100 more a month on Snap than when we ate out and all that, but I guess I let it get to me. So, I stopped. This was a bad time. This started me on a downward spiral with food and mood. If I ever doubt the effect food can have on my mood, I need only think back on August 2011. Mike did the best he could, he would make me chicken breasts so I'd have them to eat. But, really, that was all I would eat. I'd only eat when he yelled at me about food, and I hated him for it. Hated myself for it too. So, after about 2 weeks of this nonsense, I realized I had to do something.
I thought I would try some of the other Snap-like places around town. I went and got a few things at My Fit Foods, and while edible, it wasn't awesome. Not something I could eat 5 times a day. Then I went and committed to Mel's Meals, mostly on the recommendation of my nutritionist. Yah, well, I made it 9 days into a 21-day commitment cuz that food was just nasty. You'd go from super bland to over seasoned. I'd really go out of my way to figure out how NOT to eat their foods. So, they gave me my remaining money back and were super great about that. Great staff! Not-so-great food.
So, after that I went running back to Snap Kitchen with big hugs & kisses. If I thought I loved their food before, I certainly was IN LOVE with it after experiencing the alternatives.
I'm going to keep doing Snap as long as I can stand it. It means I eat 1400-1600 calories everyday consistently, it's easy gluten-free stuff. So I don't have to stress about GF on top of just my usual eating woes. It's helping me get through this difficult point in my life.
Oh, and I'm actually quite impressed with myself about something else. I have been going through all this stuff still not on any anti-depressant. I think it might be official. I think I have acquired the right tools via individual and group therapies that have allowed me to deal with things that I otherwise would not have been able to handle drug-free once upon a time. I kinda love that.